A conversation with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend's name is Emmanuel, him and I have been together for almost four years. Emmanuel is half Nigerian and half African American. While reading the article Family Life and School Experience: factors in the Racial Identity Development of Black Youth in White Communities by Beverly Tatum, I couldn't stop thinking about Emmanuel.

His mother was a strong African American woman proud of her history, and his father was a Nigerian who had escaped Nigeria during the Civil War wanting to forget his history.

Emmanuel and his family grew up in a wealthy community in North Carolina. His father was a doctor and his mother was a lawyer. They were living the high life, and were the only Black family in the area. Despite the fact Emmanuel and his siblings were immersed in white culture, they have nothing put positive memories from their childhood. 

Unfortunately, Emmanuel's parent's marriage fell apart, and Emmanuel was shuffled in and out of boarding, private, and public schools where a majority of the student bodies were white.

Despite the fact he grew up in affluent white communities, Emmanuel never really felt out of place or let his surroundings have an affect on him. He excelled and succeeded everywhere he went surrounded by his white colleagues. 

He has never really been in a situation surrounded by African Americans or Africans.  

White people always say they wish "other blacks were like him" or "you're not really black, you're white," "I'm surprised I feel so safe around you." Blacks tell him, "You're not black enough" or "you're a disgrace to all blacks. acting like you're white," "why don't you date black girls," and the ever popular "self-hater." etc., etc.

He's stuck being an exception or a self-hater. 

Last night, I was talking to him on the phone about my outrage about the Trayvon Martin case. We had talked about the case before, but this time his tone had changed. He said he was tired with the case, and nothing was going to change.

A little upset, I immediately went off on a rant about how important this case is. I ended my rant with, "no matter what, you will never be looked at as an able-bodied, white, heterosexual male. ever."

he said, "I know." and was silent for a second.

He then began talking about facing and fighting racism in his own life and an identity crisis. The picture he had painted about a charmed life began cracking in my eyes.

Despite everything he had told me, everyday for him was a fight. We had just never really talked about it before. I think it has something to do with the fact we both try to think progressively about race. Before we had the mentality to view people as individuals and not let ideas of color or creed affect the way we viewed them. We chose to be "colorblind" and not judge others on their race. Recently, I've realized I can't think this way until everyone thinks this way which unfortunately probably will not happen in my lifetime. 

I believe last night this really sunk in for him too.

Despite the fact he's well known and liked around his campus, the president of the pre-med honors fraternity, works in the ER, and makes stellar grades... people still see him as a black man. There's a reason that two cops were following him in west campus when he had on his hoodie. His hoodie was from his high school boarding school in Princeton. At his time there he served as student body president, was on the honor roll, and was a track, football, and basketball star. The cops didn't know that, they just saw a "suspicious" black man walking through a mostly white neighborhood.

At the end of our conversation, I stressed to him the importance of combining his life experiences and Africentric theories, values, and culture. He has never really had a crash course in african american history, values, and culture despite the fact his mother claimed to be a strong, proud African American woman. We began talking about Nguzo Saba principles and the 4 quadrants. He said he would look into this "africentric stuff," make his own opinion, and get back to me.

It was a really amazing conversation we had. My hope is that by combining his personal experiences and facts that he can move forward and help the African American community. He has already accomplished so much in his life, I just hope this sparks an interest in helping the African American and African community in the US. 

Part Dos.

I think one's racial identity plays a big role in one's concept of privilege. I believe the further you're away from a white racial identity the more likely you are to realize what privileges you lack. Being biracial, I was in a stage of personal identity for a long time. My parents never really pressured me to pick one or the other. Honestly, I would say I was in a stage of personal identity for a majority of my life because I never really felt the need to choose one or the other, or felt guilty choosing one over the other because I never really was forced to. On forms I would always check "hispanic" and "indian/asian" because that's how I identified myself. 

I'm not sure if it's possible according to the Poston's Bi-racial identity model, but I honestly feel like I jumped to the appreciation and integration stage. Coming to college made me want to immerse myself in my cultures and other cultures. I have such a high appreciation for other people and their own personal heritage, culture, history, stories, etc. I try to take their stories and incorporate them into my outlook on life. I think not being forced to choose a race when I was younger made me more able to be open and receptive to other people's races. I think this helps me to identify with people better which is really important when trying to reach a group of middle school boys. 

Affirmative Action.

I'm currently looking at a picture of the young white male student who wrote the piece against affirmative action. His article is entitled Affirmative action: racist by nature. 

To be honest, I'm not exactly sure how I should feel. For starters, I think I "hate" this kid. He's been a white male his whole life, and the amount of privilege attached to that is priceless. How can this kid be harping about how bad affirmative action is at such a high place of privilege? Then I read his article a little further where he mentions poor whites, and questioning why they are not treating in the same way as minority students. That makes sense so maybe I don't "hate" him. I'm just unsure about him. 

Then I go back to thinking about what we've said about racism in class. African Americans could never have enough power to actually use racism against white; therefore, you can't really be "racist" against white people, meaning affirmative action isn't being racist.

In addition, I think about how just 50 years ago, blacks and other minorities were being discriminated against because of the color of their skin. Times were bad then, and to be frank, have they really gotten any better?

yes, there are now laws protecting minorities agasint discrimination, and society has more or less become more accepting, but not everything is as picturesque as people would like one another to people. racism still exists.

i.e. Trayvon Martin.

The first comment on the Daily Texan Page is by "Educated Black Man." He goes on and on about how successful he has been, and how he wants to be looked at as an equal, and how he feels equal in society.

I understand what he's saying. For a long time, race was of little importance to me. Being biracial, people have always been just people to me. I don't judge people by the color of their skin, but rather what's on the inside. I to though of myself as equal, and didn't want special perks of privileges because of the color of my skin. 

Now, I can't afford to think that way.

As much as I would love for that to be the case, I can't think and accept that until society thinks and accepts that. 

To society I am a minority female. the end.

I am not white. I am not a man.

I can no longer pretend that oppression against me doesn't exist, and that I am equal. 

Yes, I understand that I am a lot well of than other minorities, but when it comes down to it I'm not equal to a white heterosexual male, and sadly, I don't think I'll ever be.

That's why laws like affirmative action are there. It helps add diversity, it helps minorities be represented. It helps struggling minorities achieve greater heights. It leads people on a path to lower maafa and higher authenticity. It's giving people an opportunity to excel in life because sometimes life doesn't give you the best cards.

Until people are truly and solely judged by the content of the hearts, laws like affirmative action should be enforced. 

Being a 21st Century Black Man

I stand before you today because there are some damaging statistics facing you young men. When I look at you, I see eager young men who have the potential to be anyone they want to be in the future. I see a doctor sitting next to a lawyer, a politician sitting next to a businessman, and most importantly I see youth ready to start the next chapter of their lives. Unfortunately, society may not view you in such favorable to light. To be honest, I can’t say that society really wants you to succeed. In my opinion, the American society has been holding you back. In an article entitled Plight Deepens for Black Men, Studies Warn, Erick Eckholm paints a dire picture for black men in the United States. According to experts at some of the top universities i.e. Princeton, Harvard, a large portion of poorly educated black men are becoming even more disconnected from the mainstream society (Eckholm). Young black men are not finishing high school. Young black men are being incarcerated at the highest rates. To put things into perspective, when you’re in your thirties 6 in 10 black men you know who had dropped out of high school has spent time in prison (Eckholm). Young black men are facing dismal unemployment rates. I can read of a million other statistics, but I’m not. I will stop right here because you already now what’s starring you right in the eyes. Failure is starring you down and I’m urging you young men to stare right back and say, “Get the hell outta my way.”

You may be thinking, “How on earth am I going to overcome. This lady is crazy?” I promise you there is a way to overcome, you just need to find the tools and surround yourself with the right people and you, my friends, will go far. Nothing will get in your way of being strong, capable young black men. 

 First of all I want you to think black men who embody what it means to be a man. Chances are images of Jay-z, Kanye West, Dwaye Wade, etc. popped in your head. How many of you had President Obama come to mind? Martin Luther King? Frederick Douglas? Thurgood Marshall? That’s a problem boys. Media is defining what a black man should be. Media tells us a black man should be surrounded with money, women, be athletic, and most importantly have the “look.” That’s what has become important in society to prove to others that you’re a man.  My question for you is why are you letting society tell you what you can and can’t be? Why are society and media telling you what you should value? There was a study done by Wizdon Powell Hammond and Jacqueline S Mattis, about the meaning of manhood among black men (Hammond). This duo took responses of what values were most important for these men, and I’m telling you right now that being a “pimp” or “filthy rich” weren’t the values at the top of this list. These men valued responsibility and accountability most of all. This means that these real black men valued being strong black men who didn’t drop out of high school and possibly went to college, who didn’t get locked up, who got a job, and are providing for their families. That was most important to them.  I don’t know what you boys are thinking, but in my opinion society has you guys thinking all wrong. Why would society tell you it’s important to be “hard;” whereas, this study with actual black men is proving that being “hard” isn’t that important, but what is important is being responsible and accountable for your actions in life. I need you guys to think with me for a second, what if you started valuing responsibility and accountability over being “hard” now. Imagine how much things could change for you? Your minds are probably racing with ideas of taking school serious, helping out around home more, dreams of college and careers, but then that ugly head of failure begins to rear it’s head towards you. Now here’s the part of the presentation that I need you boys to pay attention to, the crucial piece that is going to help you tell failure to get the hell outta your way.

As I can’t emphasize enough, each of you young men are very special individuals, and its vital for you to think of yourselves as special individuals in order for this work. In order to do this we are starting an all black young men group at your school. This group appropriately named “Boyz 2 Men” will help you boys battle the statistics that are hurting you, and put you on the path to your personal success. As a group you will work together to empower each other with the help of the two black male moderators in charge of the group. You will begin to value yourselves as unique individuals who are powerful and capable. Many of you may not know this, but this idea of rising up as an empowered collective of individuals is accredited to the Nguzo Saba’s principle of Ujima which means collective work and responsibility (Karenga). I’m not surprised that many of you have not heard about the Nguzo Saba before. The Nguzo Saba is a list of seven core principles of an Africentric worldview, which include, unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity, and faith. Boyz 2 Men will focus on these values in it’s teachings. It will primarily focus on the principles of unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, purpose, and creativity.

This group will be a place where it is okay to be black. You will learn about the history of your ancestors who started in Africa, important blacks throughout the decades, and black men of today’s age. In addition, you will be offered tutoring, counseling, and group discussion with your peers and mentors about issues that are important to you. This will help mold you into a strong young black man. the final component of this group is for you boys to give back. You will use your intelligence and creativity to help members in your communities through service learning projects led by your mentors. You will be given the opportunity to help the elder members of your community, in addition to helping the younger boys of your community to stay on the right path towards manhood. This group is placing a great responsibility on you to be active and helpful members of your community and society, but is also helps you on your journey by offering you anything you ask for. As a collective, you will rise up and be everything you can be. In fifty years, when I stand before another group of young black men, I want them to be shouting your names when I ask for black men who embody what it means to be a man.

Note: In Aminfu R. Harvey’s article Individual and family Intervention Skills with African Americans: An Africentric Approach, he stresses the importance of an africentric approach. He states that it is vital to understand be knowledgeable of the African American cultural continuum. He is a huge advocate of services from an Africentric perspective. This Boyz 2 Men group is rooted in empowerment and Africentric principles. It is our sincere hope that by using the Nguzo Saba principles, the boys will become empowered and see themselves as important, unique individuals. We hope to change their views of what a man is from media’s perspective to a more realistic Africentric perspective. Our hope is that these boys will be the future leaders of the African American Community.  We have to start somewhere, and I believe the place to start is in middle school. 

Here’s to change!

Eckholm, E. (2006). Plight deepens for black males: Studies sound alarm. New York Times,    03/20/06,  

Hammond, W. P. (2005). Being a man about it: Manhood meaning among African American men. Psychology of men and masculinity, 6 (2), pp.114-126.

Harvey, A. & Hill, R. (2004). Africentric youth and family rites of passage program: Promoting resilience among at-risk African American youths. Social Work, 49 (1).

Karenga, M & Karenga, (2007). The Nguzo Saba and the Black family: Principles and practice of well-being and flourishing. In H. P. McAdoo (Ed.), Black families, 4^th Edition (pp. 7-28). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.